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Suzanne Lucas

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  • Televangelist Launches Prophecy Hotline
    By: Suzanne Lucas
    (SNN) - Televangelist Pat Robertson is launching a new end-of-times prophecy hotline for people who want to find reasons to worry. The new hotline, which will open up to callers in Canada and the U.S. on Sunday, May 11th, will provide customized end-of-times predictions that detail how and when the world will end -- all at the bargain basement cost of $10.00 per minute. The hotline will feature some of today's best psychotics, such as...

  • London Life Dumps "Freedom 55"; Launches "Servitude 75"
    By:Suzanne Lucas
    Above: Former "Freedom 55" policy holder has a clear vision of his future. (SNN) - London Life Insurance Co. desperately needs to rebuild its client base and is changing the name of its financial planning division known as Freedom Fifty Five Financial to do it. As part of a major rebranding strategy, the London-based company is moving away from the “Freedom 55" concept to promote "Servitude 75", a new way of thinking that it believes...

  • New NSA Surveillance Program Forces Three-Way Calling
    By: Suzanne Lucas
    (SNN) - After grappling with the public backlash on the controversial NSA surveillance program, U.S. President Barack Obama is putting forward a new proposal to reform the spy agency’s telephone data collection methods. The proposal is the result of months of work by Attorney General Eric Holder and intelligence agencies, who were tasked to come up with alternate solutions for collecting a whole bunch of personal information on U.S....

  • Cowell and Ramsay Sign On to Become Muppet Hecklers
    By: Suzanne Lucas
    (SNN) - Fans of the Muppet Show could barely contain their excitement on Monday after producers announced that Simon Cowell and Gordon Ramsay had signed on to replace Muppet TV's most infamous hecklers, Statler and Waldorf, next season. The news came after the two grumpy pug-faced characters (Statler and Waldorf, not Cowell and Ramsay) announced their intention to retire after 40 years in the heckling business. The pair will be giving...

  • Cops Raid David Suzuki's House
    Arrest Him for Illicit Lighting and Garbage Stuffin

    By: Suzanne Lucas
    (SNN) - Eighteen Vancouver Police Department (VPD) patrol cars descended on David Suzuki’s house in the Kitsilano neighbourhood of British Columbia’s largest city on Monday, after an informant tipped them off about a possible case of unsustainable living practices. Vancouver is not the capital of B.C. Operation “Do-What-I-Say-Not-What-I-Do” targeted one of the four sprawling residences of Canada’s well known...

  • Zamboni Driver Takes Gold in Olympic Figure Skating
    IOC Investigating

    By: Suzanne Lucas
    (SNN) - Allegations of collusion among figure skating judges in Sochi resurfaced on Monday after a zamboni driver walked away with the gold medal in the men's short program. Barnabiev KIirshajondokov, a 65-year-old Russian with severe arthritis, became the first man to win an Olympic gold medal for figure skating while wearing Nike running shoes. Klirrishanadokov, who rode his zamboni across the ice at least twice, locked down the top...

  • New WHO Report: Friedchickenitis on the Rise
    By: Suzanne Lucas
    (SNN) - A new disease has surfaced in countries across the world and the World Health Organization (WHO) warns there will be 22 million new cases of it by the end of next year. According to the Batman Agency for Research on Fried Chicken (BARFc), the San Antonio-based research arm of the WHO, friedchickenitis is claiming victims in developed countries at an alarming rate. According to BARFc, there were 14 million new cases of friedchickenitis...

  • Methane in Arctic Circle Caused by Polar Bear Flatulence
    By: Suzanne Lucas
    (SNN) - A team of scientists in Grise Fiord, Nunavut reported that polar bear flatulence is the cause of alarmingly high concentrations of methane in the Arctic Circle. The unexpected finding was made by researchers from the Polar Atmospheric Surveys of Greenhouse Activating Solutions (PASSGAS), who confirmed that the levels of methane in the Arctic air exceeded 1,000 teragrams per year, enough to kill a herd of horses. Methane (CH4) is...

  • Airline Says "Oops, My Bad" After Man Flying to New York Wakes up in Thailand
    By: Suzanne Lucas
    (SNN) - A Texas businessman who fell asleep on a flight from Houston to New York was shocked when he woke to find himself at Bangkok's Suvarnabhumi Airport, thirty-four hours later. Bramblesnort Crippledorf was travelling on United Airlines' partner air carrier, BigJetElite, last Friday when he fell asleep in his window seat at the back of the plane. He didn't wake up when the aircraft landed at LaGuardia International Airport,...

  • Canada Goose Bullies American Eagle: Poops in Sears CEO's Yard
    By: Suzanne Lucas
    (SNN) - Residents of Buffalo, NY are in shock after a Canada goose attacked a bald eagle in broad daylight near the Peace bridge. The attack occurred around 11:00 am Sunday morning and involved a lone goose wearing a distinctive red parka. Witnesses say that the goose attacked the American eagle without provocation, flapping its wings and snapping at the eagle in an aggressive way. The bird then flew back towards Toronto, where it proceeded...

  • Media Outlets Sick of Rob Ford: Decide to Focus on Something Else
    By: Suzanne Lucas
    (SNN) - After months of reporting on Toronto's delusional, foul-mouthed, crack-smoking mayor, Canadian news outlets are finally getting tired of him. The message came straight from Shaw Media's news director, Boonfink Jumblespork, in a press conference held on Wednesday at Shaw's corporate headquarters in Toronto. "Rob Ford's headline-making behaviour may provide fodder for stand-up comics and late night talk shows, but we've...

  • NSA Accused of Spying on Itself
    By: Suzanne Lucas
    (SNN) - President Barack Obama is facing another perfect storm, this time in his own country, after it was revealed that the National Security Agency (NSA) has been spying on itself since 2005. According to top secret documents posted on WikiLeaks earlier this week, the NSA has allegedly been tapping the home and cell phones of its own Director, General Keith B. Alexander, for over eight years. Reports show that details of the director's...

  • Harper Set to Change How Public Servants Say Hello
    By: Suzanne Lucas
    (SNN) - In a bold move, Prime Minister Stephen Harper has announced his plan to reform the controversial Official Languages Act by 2014. Speaking to patrons of Henry Burger restaurant in Gatineau, Quebec on October 3, 2013, Harper spoke about the outdated OLA and the need to be more inclusive of our American neighbours. "It's time to apporter the Official Languages Act into the twenty-first siècle, tsé?" said Harper in an artful...

  • Spelling Bee Champ Denies Using Performance-Enhancing Drugs
    By: Suzanne Lucas
    (SNN) - World Spelling Bee champion, Dangomar Vertmandoer-Rochmaninoff, may be stripped of his title after being accused of using performance-enhancing drugs to artificially increase his cognitive capabilities. Vertmandoer-Rochmaninoff was "left in shock" on September 22, 2013 when his "A" sample came back positive for gingko biloba, a natural supplement banned by the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) for its ability to improve memory and...

  • Cougar Spotted in Downtown Toronto: Terrifies College Graduate.
    By Suzanne Lucas
    (SNN) - A Toronto, Ontario resident called police on Friday, July 26, 2013 after spotting a cougar in the downtown core around 10 pm. “I was walking along the street with my dog when I saw something on the sidewalk,” said 23-year-old Anthony Weeblemeister, a young college graduate . “It was a bleached-blond colour and it seemed to be watching me with intense green eyes. I figured it was some sort of animal so I stopped...

  • Bank Moving to Face Recognition Technology
    TD Bank is trialing new face recognition technology on its network of ATMs across Canada.

    By Suzanne Lucas
    (SNN) - The new "open-by-face" technology, developed by American security company OpenSesame, is the latest in banking security that authenticates customers by capturing an image of the client and comparing it to an image saved on the network. "We're very excited to be the first bank to trial this leading edge technology," says TD's president, Dick Coinage. "Not only will we do away with the annoying PIN but we'll also be able...

  • McDonald's Commits to Reducing Food-Flinging Injuries
    By Suzanne Lucas
    (SNN) - McDonald's Restaurants of Canada is implementing major changes to its service on the heels of a new health and safety ruling issued by Human Resources and Skills Development Canada. The ruling, which was issued to the multi-national fast food chain on July 5, 2013, concluded that serving McDonald's customers was dangerous as there were a lack of controls to protect staff from Filet-O-Fish-flinging-related injuries. Given...

  • TSA Focuses on Efficiency: 'Repack Your Own Checked Baggage'
    By Suzanne Lucas
    (SNN) - As part of a newfound focus on efficiency and customer satisfaction, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) will soon be implementing new procedures for checked bags that go into an airplane's hold. These changes, which are intended to better focus TSA resources while improving the overall customer experience, come just in time as more than 200 million passengers begin their summer travel. Most of them will be travelling...

  • Prime Minister Lauded by Fashion Critics for his Hip Style
    By Suzanne Lucas
    (SNN) - Stephen Harper is not only Canada's prime minister but he is also a fashion icon as well. In fact, his sense of style is so awe-inspiring that the Toronto Sun’s Christina Blizzard penned a column of over 2,000 words dedicated entirely to the PM's fashion decisions. "Our prime minister really knows how to put an outfit together. He rocks those blue and grey power suits like no other political figure can," writes Blizzard,...

  • Halifax Mayor Booted Out of Office "Cause He's a Good Guy"
    By Suzanne Lucas
    (SNN) - Mayor of Halifax Mike Savage has been summarily removed from office by a judge, amid allegations that he’s doing exactly what a mayor should do. Accused of being “a good guy”, Savage was lambasted by Judge I. M. Crooked on June 17th for his desire to eliminate in-camera meetings and secret deals that violate the city’s charter. Since his election, public outcry over his lack of wrongdoing has been steadily...

  • Ontario Premier Improving Balance Through Cyber Feng Shui
    By Suzanne Lucas
    (SNN) - Ontario Premier Kathleen Wynne is using the ancient art of cyber feng shui to revitalize government records and bring more balance and happiness to the provincial government. Derived from the traditional Chinese art of feng shui, cyber shui is a technique that uses the laws of reformat, delete and trash to improve the government's qi and protect it from public scrutiny. "There are many stress factors that can affect our energy...

  • Man Sues Cosmetics Company After Contracting Freckles
    By Suzanne Lucas
    (SNN) - A Florida man filed a lawsuit against a major cosmetics company after he contracted freckles at a live taping of Let’s Make a Deal. Victor Secret of Sarasota, Florida travelled to Hollywood on May 7th to be part of the studio audience for the popular game show hosted by Wayne Brady. While standing in line to check in, Secret came across the Acme Cosmetics pop-up shop where contestants could get makeup applied to match their...

  • Company Falls Apart After Employee Takes Day Off
    By Suzanne Lucas
    (SNN) - ExploitU Inc., a consulting firm, was on the verge of collapse on May 26, 2013 when its most productive employee took a sick day to deal with gastrointestinal flu. Em K. Pabull took last Monday off when she started experiencing stomach flu symptoms that made it difficult to stay seated at her desk for more than two minutes. Forced to go home by 10:00 am that day, Pabull’s departure threw ExploitU into a complete turmoil when...

  • Homeless Shelter Reaches Out to Mike Duffy
    By Suzanne Lucas
    (SNN) - A shelter for homeless men has offered to help Senator Mike Duffy while his living expenses are scrutinized by Senate’s internal economy committee. The Shepherds of Public Office, a non-profit organization dedicated to helping the poor and the hungry in Ottawa, has reached out to Duffy, offering him a place to sleep, nutritious meals and free toiletries until the investigation is complete and he is able to determine where he...

  • CPAC Tops Weekly Cable Network Ratings
    By Suzanne Lucas
    (SNN) - For the first time ever, the Canadian Public Affairs Channel (CPAC) topped the weekly cable network ratings, pulling ahead of perennial front-runners The Weather Network (TWN) and the Fireplace Channel (FC). From May 6-12, 2013, CPAC averaged a daily total of 15 daytime and primetime viewers while TWN reached an average of 10 viewers per day. CNN also moved up the cable hierarchy, finishing No. 3 for the week, with an average...

  • National No Make-Up Day Causes Chaos
    By Suzanne Lucas
    (SNN) - Cities across Canada were thrown into chaos on March 24, 2013 when thousands of women went out in public without any makeup in celebration of National No Makeup Day. Over 400,000 vehicle and pedestrian accidents were reported in all major cities, as drivers became distracted by the women who opted to forgo cover-up, mascara, eye shadow and lipstick before going outside. Brian Macho, a driver involved in a 3-car accident in downtown...

  • Hell's Angels Support Obama's Campaign on Gun Control
    By Suzanne Lucas
    (SNN) – The Hell’s Angels, one of Canada’s most powerful motorcycle gangs, have thrown their support behind Barack Obama in his efforts to implement gun control reform. “I am disappointed that the U.S. Senate did not pass Obama’s bill,” said John Firepower, leader of the Hells Angels' south chapter, who is currently sought on a Canada-wide warrant for gangsterism and drug trafficking. “Americans...

  • CBSA Deploying New Smell-O-Vision X-ray Technology
    By Suzanne Lucas
    ... they will learn to identify the smell of various restricted and prohibited items, including meats, fruits, vegetables, plants, alcohol, tobacco, contraband, illegal drugs and animals, both dead and alive.  Photo by: Suzanne Lucas, All Rights Reserved

  • Federal Government Launches Taxpayer Loyalty Program
    By Suzanne Lucas
    (SNN) - In a speech to the Canadian Taxpayer Federation on Friday, April 4th, Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced the launch of a new points-based loyalty program for Canadian taxpayers. “Our government recognizes that paying taxes is a stressful thing, which is why we are committed to taking steps to make it more palatable to Canadians,” said the prime minister. “This innovative new program provides our citizens with...

  • First Look: Extreme Sock Folding Premieres on TLC
    By Suzanne Lucas
    (SNN) - Building on the success of original reality TV series Extreme Couponing and Craft Wars, TLC announced that it is launching its newest reality show, Extreme Sock Folding, tonight at 8 pm. The much-buzzed-about series, which promises a solid mix of action and drama, follows real-life contestants as they compete to find and pair up socks washed in the laundry. The show’s first contestant is Regina-based laundry expert, Bob...

  • Prime Minister Concludes Successful Visit to Men's Room
    By Suzanne Lucas
    (SNN) - Prime Minister Stephen Harper has completed a productive visit to the men's room, part of a trip that also led him down the hall of Parliament's Centre Block. The prime minister's three-minute visit saw him travel through three of the parliamentary building's inner hallways. “This official visit to the men's room was a great opportunity to promote Canada internationally,” Harper stated. “Our...

  • National Retail Giant Receives Excellence in Mediocrity Award
    By Suzanne Lucas
    (SNN) - A national big-box store has become the newest recipient of the National Crappy Institute's 2013 Excellence in Mediocrity Award. Wal-Marde, the discount offshoot of retail giant Wal-Mart Stores, Inc., beat out a group of surefire contenders including Radio Scrap, the Twoonie Store, and Garbage Electric (GE) to walk away with one of Canadian business’ most coveted awards. "We're thrilled to join the growing list of companies...

  • Coming Soon: I am Number 2,987
    By Suzanne Lucas
    I am Number 2,987 By: Pitiful Bore Self-Entitlement Publishing, 2013 If you’re looking for a good read, wait no more. This surefire bestseller is coming soon to a bookstore near you. Don’t miss out! Pre-order your copy today.   Three thousand of us came here. We look like you. We talk like you. We live among you. But we are not you. We do things that tick you off. We have iPhones you dream of having. We are louder and more...

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