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The Magic that is Hardware - Man's Favorite Store

(SNN) - Men hate shopping, right? Try dragging your guy to the local shopping mall. Pull one shirt off the rack and watch him moan as if being tortured by Attila the Hun’s best. There never was such an awful thing to do. More agony than the dentist. Follow it up with a trip to the shoe store and watch your own true love turn into Godzilla with a toothache.

But what is it about guys and hardware? Why is it that men – the same creatures who turn green at the idea of shopping for clothes – can spend fifteen minutes staring in perfect bliss at a barrel of nails in Canadian Tire?

In fact, there is something about Canadian Tire that turns grown men to jelly. Give him a hardware catalogue and watch him drool. To wit: I was walking with my guy through ‘Man’s Favourite Store’ the other day, and we had the following conversation.

Him (dreamy-like): “I could spend a million bucks here.”

Me (looking around, perplexed): “On WHAT?”

Him: “On that, for instance.” He points to the first thing he sees: a gas-powered generator the size of a large freezer. Portable would not be an accurate description of said machine.

Me: “What the heck would you USE it for?”

Him (happily): “Oh, lots of things.”

Me: “Name one.”

Him (squinting, brain working hard): “Camping! We could use it camping!”

Me: “For what? To power coloured patio lights?”

Him (totally gone): “We could string them from the trees…”

Frankly, I think it’s all in the marketing. I blame Canadian Tire money. Have you noticed that guys hoard their Canadian Tire bucks? They don’t use them sensibly – as women would – to reduce the price of their next purchase. Nope. Guys hoard their Canadian Tire money in neat little stacks several inches high until they have enough to buy the tool of their dreams. One guy explained it to me by saying it’s ‘free money’ – moolah their wives don’t know about. It’s their cash cow…secret money with which to buy ‘stuff’.

Problem is, all that stuff collects. And before you know it, they have to go back to Canadian Tire to buy more stuff on which to put their stuff, like workbenches and pegboard, and more tools with which to put said stuff-holders together…

Melodie Campbell writes funny books, like The Goddaughter’s Revenge, winner of the 2014 Derringer and Arthur Ellis Awards. You can buy them at Chapters and at online retailers everywhere.

More from Melodie Campbell
DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.



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