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Bad Girl

The Postman Always Rings for Money

Photo: This is a real Canadian post office name, exclamation marks and all

(SNN) Not long ago, the Canadian Post Office did a stunner, and almost doubled the cost of sending a postcard across the country. Enraged citizens are now claiming that it will soon be cheaper to FLY to Saskabush, than to send a birthday card there. (It’s frightening. Imagine actually having to GO to Saskabush…)

The bottom line is, our mail will soon be too expensive to mail. Frankly, I’m not too concerned, as I hate receiving any. Primarily, because my mail consists of bills and that which is generally classified as ‘junk’. To illustrate, here’s the latest sampling from my mail box (er ‘Super’ box.)

Dear Concerned Citizen: Every day in countries far away from here, numerous Nigerian Princes need your help. Unless you are the sort of mindless jerk who drinks imported beer and watches championship polo on television, we know you will want to do something about this. For a mere FIFTY DOLLARS a minute…

Dear Fellow Voter: Here I am, your representative in Ottawa, giving a VERY IMPORTANT FOREIGN DIGNATARY a merry smile. Notice how he is smiling back. This is because, as YOUR representative, I have just presented him with a cheque for a billion dollars of YOUR money, for agricultural research and development of the guava bean. I am indeed proud to be representing YOU on this 45 day world tour, stopping in such major centres as Paris, London, Rome, Sydney, Tokyo, New York, and everywhere else they agree to ply me with premium scotch…

Dear MELODIE CAMPBELL: Congratulations, MELODIE CAMPBELL! You have been especially chosen by our computers as the winner of AN ALL EXPENSES PAID TRIP TO HAWAII! Yes, MELODIE CAMPBELL, you have already qualified to win the above prize, or TEN TRILLION DOLLARS, or your own PERSONAL JET…what the heck, why don’t we just throw in ALL THREE? And all you have to do, MELODIE CAMPBELL is simply call this number and sign up for seventy-two membership years in the all-new Fun and Fitness club…

As a concerned citizen, I am aware that outright banning of junk mail has serious implications for the paper industry. Worse, it could put several million Environmental Activists out of work. So I suggest the following:

Continue to stuff those envelopes and stick on the subsidy-for-MP’s-pension stamps. But instead of sending our mail, let’s burn it. Think of the fuel costs we could save, burning all those bills instead of paying them. The environmentalists would be kept occupied fighting the increase in air pollution, and we could hire all those newly unemployed mailpersons to tend the bonfires. And while we’re at it we could throw on a few of those expensive windbag politicians…

Melodie Campbell writes satire for fun, and comedy for income. You can buy her award-winning mob caper series at Chapters/Barnes&Noble/Amazon, starting with The Goddaughter. It’s an offer you can’t refuse.

Photo: Some Rights Reserved by Scazon Flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can also be found here.

More from Melodie Campbell
DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.



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