(SNN) - Prayers have been answered. Bikini season is almost over. Speedos too! The world is better off; at least in my zip code anyway.
Since 1990, to get ready for the beginning of the summer and the traumatic occasion, I have been on exercise bicycles that go nowhere and leave me spinning; inner journeys that lead to serenity but do not register on Google Earth or my GPS. I did jog once and thought I heard applause but it simply turned out to be my thighs hitting together. The clapping annoyed my neighbors so much they paid me to leave the neighborhood, thus turning flab into fortune; even enough to buy Cronut®.
Wouldn’t it be grand if after every bit of exercising we could see the fat falling to the ground lying like a lump and then…we could observe the scene as the Flabinator came by to remove it and take it wherever excess blubber goes? By the way, where does it go?
I know where I’d like it to go, As an organ donor, I am leaving my cellulite to Heidi Klum just so she gets to experience the joys of these love dimples. Till then I am keeping it in a warm place.
Silly me! As a last resort I tried a couple of new diets.
On one I could eat anything I desired within 2 minutes using only one chopstick. Didn’t work out as well as I had planned after I became an expert at spearing whole hams.
The one when I ate only when a politician wasn’t being hypocritical put me on a dangerous course of too much weight loss so I tossed it out which I’d love to do with some of them as well.
What I have learned from all these experiences is to read advice more carefully.
Eat less, exercise more. What a concept!
I had it backwards.
Dancin, Schmancin with the Scars: Finding the Humor No Matter What! received a smashing review from Wit and Humor Magazine and others. Buy some books, donate to veterans, hospitals, friends in need of a chuckle and others who want techniques to get to a joyful place. Or at least write a blurb if you like it, too. If not write on someone else's page. If you are on Goodreads, please consider suggesting this satirical survival book. BUY YOUR COPY TODAY
Photo by o5com flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed.
More Satire News
-
Dogs, Drugs, and Forgiveness
Wednesday, October 25, 2017
(SNN) Oh my goodness. Just heard that the four time champion of Alaska's Iditarod may have given his dogs drugs to enhance their speed. Now, I wonder if my former Golden Labrador dog Charlie (Charles Worthington ...
-
Tragedy Strikes Sullivan's Pond
Monday, August 14, 2017
(SNN) After being sent yesterday by The Sage News Network to cover a memorial held for two geese that had been tragically run over, I sit at home today enjoying delicious foie gras on crackers. The event was held ...
-
How to Make Love in a Canoe
Monday, July 03, 2017
One night a young amorous Sioux Had a date with a maiden he knioux; The coroner found The couple had drowned Making love in a leaky canoe -Anonymous (SNN) The French gave the world a kiss, the Spanish provided an ...
-
North Korea Axes Public Executions
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
(SNN) Pyongyang, North Korea –In response to a major shift in US Foreign Policy and rumors of a possible state visit by US President Donald Trump, North Korean authorities have been ordered to curtail public trials ...
-
Senior Duffers Rules of Golf
Sunday, June 18, 2017
(SNN) It’s Spring and the thoughts of masochists turn to golf. When people ask me if I play golf, I respond: "I play a game similar to golf, only with more lurching about and travel." Actually there's nothing similar ...
-
It (Usually) Never Rains In California
Thursday, February 09, 2017
(SNN) When I was notified I had won a prize for rainmaking I was gob-smacked while trying to close my umbrella. The last one to win that prestigious award was Burt Lancaster whom I’m often mistaken for without my ...
-
Snubs and Flubs at the Oscar Nominations
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
11. Worse singing by a nominated Actress: Meryl Streep, in “Florence Foster Jenkins.” (This is her second nomination in this category. She won previously for “Mama Mia”) 10. Most academy award nominations for ...
-
My Aching Back and the Magical Little Christmas Tree
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
(SNN) We moved from Washington DC to Los Angeles CA in the Summer of 1983, lock, stock, dog and our two kids—John, almost eight, and Andrew almost four. They adjusted to their new environs as best they could. Come ...
-
Road-Tested and Ready
Thursday, December 08, 2016
(SNN) I don’t list Automotive Writer on my resume, but my need for new transportation has led me to a new car search. I went to a couple of recent auto shows, road-tested several models—some cars too—and did my ...
-
Trump: Worse Than a Poke in the Knee with a Sharp Scalpel?
Saturday, November 19, 2016
(SNN) I am a glutton for punishment. That’s why I scheduled a visit with an Osteopathic Surgeon the day after the Presidential election. I figured if worst came to worst at the polls, the prospeceet of major surgery ...