Ricky Ray Banned from the CFL
Physical modifications considered - not kosher.
Monday, September 30, 2013
(SNN) - Ricky Ray, of the Toronto Argonauts, was fined today and then permanently released from the CFL. "He will never throw another football for any team in the CFL ever again," said the very upset CFL commissioner, Mark Cohon. Ricky Ray had no comment when reached today but his lawyer Andrew Luft is preparing a defence for the suspension and a $800,000 fine.
The fine and release are from an investigation carried out by the CFL Doping and Prosthetic committee that has been looking into allegations of the medical altering of athletes by the Redding Medical Centre in Redding California. Former general manager Eric Tillman of the Edmonton Eskimos brought the allegations forward to the CFLDP when he was fired from his general manager position earlier this year. Tillman said that the Edmonton Eskimos have been working with the Redding Medical Center for years now trying to perfect the CFL quarterbacks. It is alleged that Ricky Ray had gone under surgical manipulation of his right index finger to extend the length of his finger allowing him to grip the larger CFL football better. He also is said to have had muscles from his right buttocks transplanted into his right arm giving him almost super human strength and accuracy when throwing.
Two former receivers of Ricky Ray agreed that his accuracy and strength when throwing the football seemed "super human". Ricky Ray's wife said, "I know that he went in there for a medical treatment a couple of years ago."
Mrs. Ray was reluctant to say what the procedure was but said, "It was a great success and aided our marriage a great deal."
Photo: Some rights reserved by ethanf_15 flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed.
More Satire News
-
Dogs, Drugs, and Forgiveness
Wednesday, October 25, 2017
(SNN) Oh my goodness. Just heard that the four time champion of Alaska's Iditarod may have given his dogs drugs to enhance their speed. Now, I wonder if my former Golden Labrador dog Charlie (Charles Worthington ...
-
Tragedy Strikes Sullivan's Pond
Monday, August 14, 2017
(SNN) After being sent yesterday by The Sage News Network to cover a memorial held for two geese that had been tragically run over, I sit at home today enjoying delicious foie gras on crackers. The event was held ...
-
How to Make Love in a Canoe
Monday, July 03, 2017
One night a young amorous Sioux Had a date with a maiden he knioux; The coroner found The couple had drowned Making love in a leaky canoe -Anonymous (SNN) The French gave the world a kiss, the Spanish provided an ...
-
North Korea Axes Public Executions
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
(SNN) Pyongyang, North Korea –In response to a major shift in US Foreign Policy and rumors of a possible state visit by US President Donald Trump, North Korean authorities have been ordered to curtail public trials ...
-
Senior Duffers Rules of Golf
Sunday, June 18, 2017
(SNN) It’s Spring and the thoughts of masochists turn to golf. When people ask me if I play golf, I respond: "I play a game similar to golf, only with more lurching about and travel." Actually there's nothing similar ...
-
It (Usually) Never Rains In California
Thursday, February 09, 2017
(SNN) When I was notified I had won a prize for rainmaking I was gob-smacked while trying to close my umbrella. The last one to win that prestigious award was Burt Lancaster whom I’m often mistaken for without my ...
-
Snubs and Flubs at the Oscar Nominations
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
11. Worse singing by a nominated Actress: Meryl Streep, in “Florence Foster Jenkins.” (This is her second nomination in this category. She won previously for “Mama Mia”) 10. Most academy award nominations for ...
-
My Aching Back and the Magical Little Christmas Tree
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
(SNN) We moved from Washington DC to Los Angeles CA in the Summer of 1983, lock, stock, dog and our two kids—John, almost eight, and Andrew almost four. They adjusted to their new environs as best they could. Come ...
-
Road-Tested and Ready
Thursday, December 08, 2016
(SNN) I don’t list Automotive Writer on my resume, but my need for new transportation has led me to a new car search. I went to a couple of recent auto shows, road-tested several models—some cars too—and did my ...
-
Trump: Worse Than a Poke in the Knee with a Sharp Scalpel?
Saturday, November 19, 2016
(SNN) I am a glutton for punishment. That’s why I scheduled a visit with an Osteopathic Surgeon the day after the Presidential election. I figured if worst came to worst at the polls, the prospeceet of major surgery ...