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Muslim Cleric Shifts Female Attire Position

Double Your Underwear, Doubles Your Modesty

(SNN) The Uber-Amir of Cairo, Algeria, Caliph Jim Jones Akbar (79), on a visit to his brother-in-law’s Caliphate outside of Damascus today, revealed the exciting new direction for Muslim women’s wear.

“It will be much more fashionable and almost Western-looking. It will even be acceptable in Quebec, Canada!” he was quoted as saying amidst an unscheduled media availability.

The impromptu press scrum started when Akbar picked up his briefcase at the airport and the contents scattered around the rotunda in front of a number of western media who were preparing to go to the next war on their agenda. They’d already sensed the Syrian contest seemed to be lessening in interest for the North American audience. Thus, the reporters were gleeful when they noticed the photos that had spilled out of the briefcase showed a number of Muslim women in various stages of dress. In the face of instant scrutiny and dozens of phones, mics and recording devices thrust in his reddened face, the Uber-Amir felt a need to explain them.

Apparently, according to the Imam-potentate, the colorful rainbow burkas with windows on three sides instead of one, were a tip of the hat to a mixture of old and new styles and would be seen as much more revealing and contemporary than the one-slit burkas of old. Ears, of course would still be modestly covered. His biggest thrust, however, was to describe the “bold step” of having two layers of underwear required for every woman; a suggestion he felt was “avant garde”.

“The two layers of underwear are absolutely essential to protect their modesty,"  said the Caliph, “because we recently have come to understand that our women have no clothes on under their underwear and robes and we couldn’t allow that in Islam. So we now insist on two layers to fix the problem of lack of decency that wearing just one set of under clothing creates.”

The Muslim woman travelling with the Caliph declined comment but were later seen eating only salad, apparently to counter any perceived weight gain, as plus-sized underwear is always more expensive. Having to double up their unmentionables will be pricy but may stimulate the Iranian economy in the rather small area of underwear manufacturing.

Photo by: Shachar Abiry  flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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