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Secrets of Manly Males, Nails & Max Factor

'Does This Eye Shadow Make My Biceps Look Fat?'

(SNN) - Holy moly Batman!  Mani/Peds for men are now au courant. Specialty Salons are opening to cater and provide macho manicures for men along with Scotch and Sports TV.

And that’s not all…

Before you can flutter your eyes, makeup for men will be a coast-to-coast reality.  It does no good to deny it.  Several years ago men went to barbers for their usual haircuts.  The guy who went to a stylist was considered a fop.  Now every man in Beverly Hills has his own hair consultant.  They said they’d never use perfume . . . shaving lotion was as far as they’d go.  Today men’s cologne just about out-sells women's.  So do not think a powder puff won’t become a vital item in your attaché case or lunch pail.  It is only a matter of time before the Avon Man comes to ring your chimes.

This already happened, or is happening in your neighborhood. I overheard George and Rocky having a chat.

GEORGE:  Say, Rocky.  You've been looking pretty good these days.  Did you have your face lifted or something?

ROCKY:  No, George.  It is this new foundation I’m wearing called Machismo Macho.  You really should try some.

GEORGE:  I don’t think so.  My gal likes the well-scrubbed look on me.  She hates when I look artificial.

ROCKY:  So does mine.  She has no idea that all these good looks are done with the magic of makeup.  That is because I use a delicate hand in applying my blusher.  And I always use the highlighter sparingly so that it merely blends into my mustache and appears to be part of my own coloring.

GEORGE:  Well, what does she say when she sees you without any makeup in the morning?

ROCKY:  To tell you the truth, I’ve never let that happen.  I couldn’t bear it if she saw me without rouge, my primer and foundation.  And I would absolutely die if she caught me without my false eyelashes.

GEORGE:  I don’t see how you can avoid it, Rocky.

ROCKY:  Oh, don’t underestimate the ingenuity of a desperate man. I always awaken a half-hour before she does.  I run into the bathroom and turn on the electric shaver so she won't suspect and then, after cleansing my face thoroughly, (that is very important, George), and applying a good moisture cream, then I quickly dab on my makeup.

GEORGE:  It sounds complicated and phony to me.  After all, my gal loves me for my natural good looks.  She thinks of me as the boy-next-door type.  Wouldn’t I be dishonest if I resorted to all that camouflage?

ROCKY:  Not at all.  Every male should look as good as he can.

GEORGE:  And you do not think it is effeminate?

ROCKY (indignantly):  Of course not!  Actors and newsmen have been wearing cosmetics for years.  What about football players?  They are totally masculine, and they always wear eye shadow in front of 50 million people. Unfortunately they incorrectly apply it under their eyes.

GEORGE:  I guess that’s true . . . So you have no problems?

ROCKY:  I didn’t say that, George.  Sure there are.  Sometimes the little woman inadvertently uses my eyeliner and forgets to put the cap on and it dries out.  That really bugs me.  And a couple of times when we were out dancing, I got lipstick on her Peter Pan collar and she asked if I was a secret Painted Hussy?  I lied and said I had bitten my lip and she apologized.

GEORGE:  Gee, you must have felt rotten, Rocky.

ROCKY:  I did.  I just wanted to cry, but I was afraid my mascara would run.  George, if you’re not going to finish your beer, can I have it?

GEORGE:  If you want, but there is just a little bit left.

ROCKY:  It is enough.  I just want to use it in my shampoo.  It gives my hair body and shine.

GEORGE:  You really are a wealth of information . . . Okay, kid.  I’ll see you later.

ROCKY:  Where are you going, George?  Our shift isn’t over.

GEORGE:  I know.  I’m just going to powder my nose..I mean pour the cement.

ROCKY: Ok then I’ll help….Oh, geez. Sorry George, you’ll have to start without me.  I’ll be back in an hour.  I just smudged my nail.

Photo by: Ina Centaur  flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed

Dancin, Schmancin with the Scars: Finding the Humor No Matter What! received a smashing review from Wit and Humor Magazine and others. Buy some books, donate to veterans, hospitals, friends in need of a chuckle and others who want techniques to get to a joyful place. Or at least write a blurb if you like it, too. If not write on someone else's page. If you are on Goodreads, please consider suggesting this satirical survival book.   BUY YOUR COPY TODAY


DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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