(SNN) - I am simply pooped from partying in and out of my home. I have attended or hosted so many events and was guilt-fed so much food that I was contacted by three separate weight loss organizations to be their before example in a new advertising pitch. I am not weighing their options or anything else.
THE PARTIES
Granted, a few of the bashes were bombastic.
At the B party, there were the Baklavas who were sweet, Bill Blasé who came alone but didn't seem to care and Boobs Burkewitz who arrived with a couple.
The A party had the Aesop’s (she wore Sable), Al and Alice Alonzo from Albany who sold Apples and Absent-Minded Albert who forgot his pants. All in all, the A’s were amiable. Others were simply hell.
At this point I now owe so many reciprocal invites, which will then lead to more invitations till infinity, that I had to find a way to end the cycle. I have created sure-to-discourage themes guaranteeing nobody will ever want to return a second time. From my recent experiences you too, can learn how to make sure you are left alone, if that is your wish.
THE SURPRISE PARTY
Hide 10 people in a closet when the evening is warm and sticky ( if only this week). Make everyone whisper for an hour, drinks in hand. When the honoree arrives, everyone will be so zonked they will ignore him. He’ll leave thinking he is in the wrong house. Who cares?
THE BUFFET
Place small throw pillows on the floor for guests to sit on so they must balance their plates on their laps or someone else’s. Serve cracked crab with drippy hollandaise sauce, corn on the cob and huge Margaritas. Make an obscene remark which will embarrass the most sophisticated guest, who will then spit and splatter everyone. Do not worry about being asked to their home.
DO IT BY PHONE; KEEP DESSERTS FOR YOURSELF
“Hi Mona, can you believe its already been a whole year since we celebrated my mother-in-law's hip replacement? And guess what! A famous hip-hop group, all whom have had the same surgery, all of them from a nearby nursing home, will entertain and then immediately thereafter, (sh! don't tell mom) our seven layer kale anniversary cake will be presented. Oh…you can't make it? So sorry. Perhaps next year, sweetie.
For the future, unless it is a small dinner party (you can still count on me for the whine), or we can meet in a restaurant, leave me alone and I sure won't bother you.
My guarantee – as an ole country song might have said, “If the phone don't ring, you'll know it’s me.”
Happy 2014 or whatever!
THE END
Dancin, Schmancin with the Scars: Finding the Humor No Matter What! received a smashing review from Wit and Humor Magazine and others. Buy some books, donate to veterans, hospitals, friends in need of a chuckle and others who want techniques to get to a joyful place. Or at least write a blurb if you like it, too. If not write on someone else's page. If you are on Goodreads, please consider suggesting this satirical survival book. BUY YOUR COPY TODAY
More Satire News
-
Dogs, Drugs, and Forgiveness
Wednesday, October 25, 2017
(SNN) Oh my goodness. Just heard that the four time champion of Alaska's Iditarod may have given his dogs drugs to enhance their speed. Now, I wonder if my former Golden Labrador dog Charlie (Charles Worthington ...
-
Tragedy Strikes Sullivan's Pond
Monday, August 14, 2017
(SNN) After being sent yesterday by The Sage News Network to cover a memorial held for two geese that had been tragically run over, I sit at home today enjoying delicious foie gras on crackers. The event was held ...
-
How to Make Love in a Canoe
Monday, July 03, 2017
One night a young amorous Sioux Had a date with a maiden he knioux; The coroner found The couple had drowned Making love in a leaky canoe -Anonymous (SNN) The French gave the world a kiss, the Spanish provided an ...
-
North Korea Axes Public Executions
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
(SNN) Pyongyang, North Korea –In response to a major shift in US Foreign Policy and rumors of a possible state visit by US President Donald Trump, North Korean authorities have been ordered to curtail public trials ...
-
Senior Duffers Rules of Golf
Sunday, June 18, 2017
(SNN) It’s Spring and the thoughts of masochists turn to golf. When people ask me if I play golf, I respond: "I play a game similar to golf, only with more lurching about and travel." Actually there's nothing similar ...
-
It (Usually) Never Rains In California
Thursday, February 09, 2017
(SNN) When I was notified I had won a prize for rainmaking I was gob-smacked while trying to close my umbrella. The last one to win that prestigious award was Burt Lancaster whom I’m often mistaken for without my ...
-
Snubs and Flubs at the Oscar Nominations
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
11. Worse singing by a nominated Actress: Meryl Streep, in “Florence Foster Jenkins.” (This is her second nomination in this category. She won previously for “Mama Mia”) 10. Most academy award nominations for ...
-
My Aching Back and the Magical Little Christmas Tree
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
(SNN) We moved from Washington DC to Los Angeles CA in the Summer of 1983, lock, stock, dog and our two kids—John, almost eight, and Andrew almost four. They adjusted to their new environs as best they could. Come ...
-
Road-Tested and Ready
Thursday, December 08, 2016
(SNN) I don’t list Automotive Writer on my resume, but my need for new transportation has led me to a new car search. I went to a couple of recent auto shows, road-tested several models—some cars too—and did my ...
-
Trump: Worse Than a Poke in the Knee with a Sharp Scalpel?
Saturday, November 19, 2016
(SNN) I am a glutton for punishment. That’s why I scheduled a visit with an Osteopathic Surgeon the day after the Presidential election. I figured if worst came to worst at the polls, the prospeceet of major surgery ...