(SNN) - I am a stockbroker that has been reviewing the fracking debate, and I have come to the conclusion that every opposer is fracking crazy. People are going nuts because they can light their water on fire, but I have not met anyone with that issue. I think they are all full of it. Anyway, I would love to light my faucet on fire, I do not get what all the fuss is about. Imagine the Fourth of July fireworks we could have if everyone in town could do the same thing! We could all save money on sparklers and fireworks for the kids. I would love that. I am not worried about my own water because I know that methane, which allows people to ignite their water, is found at the bottom of all wells. If I could set my water on fire it would remind me that I am powerful enough to own a personal well. Those who must live with public water are at a disadvantage, and I am not concerned about their health. That is the government's job, and we all know their highest priority is helping people. If the government fails, all is well. To be honest, I know we have a population problem at hand, and water contamination might help to solve that issue. 

My daughter says, “500 Appalachian mountains were destroyed by fracking,” but mountains obstruct beautiful vistas, so I see why they wanted to take them out. Mountains were made for man, as my father told me, we have dominion over all. This means all the fish in the sea, grass on the ground, and the mountains in the air. They may be bigger than us, but in no way are the mountains more valuable. Our people now have the ability to literally move mountains-thanks to the new fracking technologies. What more can we ask for?

With these new abilities we can reconstruct the landscape, so why not create giant holes with no life? As a businessman I never sit on the ground anyway, so why do we need it anymore? We have skyscrapers, Wall Street, and Central Park where people walk, and sit on concrete. That is what humans were made for. Dirt is gross, and so are animals. We might as well kill it all. 

People are concerned about water contamination, but I am more concerned about the money I will make from these fracking stocks. International business does not bring as much money into America, so we should stop getting resources from outside our borders. Though I may not be working on, or living anywhere near an extraction plant, I can still reap the rewards. People in West Virginia complain of ash, asthma, headaches, and other ailments, but in Fairfield County we are all doing great! Hydraulic fracturing supporters say there is no problem with it, so I keep buying the stocks. They are looking pretty good right now, so we better keep it up! 

Enter our Humour Writing Contest

Mary Corcoran is a guest contributor, who submitted this article officially making her a contestant in our humour - satire writing contest. The winner will recieve a colour eReader. The Sage is accepting entries until July 30th, 2014.  Good Luck Mary!