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Here are the Latest Headlines The Sage is working on.

Food Flavor Scientist Wins Nobel Peace Prize

(SNN) - In his speech, the Permanent Secretary of the Swedish Academy said, “Because she was able to turn all the flavors of Häagen-Dazs and Ben & Jerry’s into no-calorie spices, allowing couch potatoes to sit in front of the TV and pig out on veggies, scientists predict that it will result in an average 43# weight loss worldwide.”

Not every one is happy about this development, though. Lay’s Potatoes Chips, her former employer, is suing. “How dare she do that when we wanted to add all those flavors to our junk food,” their lawyer said.

National Enquirer Offers New Tabloid App

(SNN) - Just enter your favorite celeb’s name, and every week, the app will automatically combine it with some other element, write a tabloid story and find an unflattering photo to go along with it. Some examples from the accompanying YouTube video: A star’s house gets hit with a tornado and police find out, that for years, she’s been a huge Neiman Marcus shoplifter. A former best girlfriend reveals that the real reason the wife divorced your heartthrob was because her psychic told her to do it. Not like she said, that he was a sex addict, screwing every skirt in town.

“We’ve been using it for years now,” said the presenter, “and think the apps sales will greatly exceed the revenue we make on the actual paper.”

TSA Asks Public for Suggestions to Make Waiting Time More Enjoyable

(SNN) - “Things like magicians, sing-along music groups, stand-up comics,” a spokesperson said at the press conference. “Anything but making the lines go faster.”

Read a sample of Ed Toolis’ book, There’s an App for That

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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