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15 Reasons Why ETs Have Not Landed Yet

Photo: Just passing through?

(SNN) - A radio message, believed sent from an Earth-orbiting extraterrestrial mothership to its’ home planet', has been intercepted and translated. This is according to reliable sources; i.e, no tinfoil hats, no Fox & Friends Host, never appeared on Duck Dynasty

A secret CIA spy satellite recorded the message earlier this year, and a team of experts led by Dr. Skärt Bedrägeri has finished translating the message.

Dr. Bedrägeri, Dean of Linguistics at Sweden’s prestigious Analfabet University,  is the world’s leading expert on coded communication and won a Nobel Peace Prize in 2008 for deciphering the political speeches of Sarah Palin.

The message is a response to a request from Alien Headquarters to explain why no contact has yet been made with intelligent life on Earth.  

Dear Commander Majestic Director Boss Person:

  • Two words describe intellectual capacity of upright bipedal species that rule planet: “Freaking Morons.”
  • Initial belief that Earth’s sea-based air breathing mammals are an intelligent species has proven false. “Song of the Whales,” for instance, is mostly humming, whistling and whale farts.
  • After budget cuts, our medical research had to be discontinued because physical exams are not covered by Obamacare.
  • Area 51 is a dump.
  • When we got here, Elvis had already left the building. We were told there would be a concert.
  • Our highly paid and overrated Earthling consultant, Steven Spielberg, refuses to submit his reports in a timely manner. He’s all: “I promise you I’ll get to it after I’ve finished making my movie,” the same excuse he’s used since “Jaws.”
  • Landing Party refuses to explore Florida due to “Stand Your Ground” laws and increase of yucky Burmese Pythons in Everglades.
  • Kelly Ripa: A talented entertainer, no question, but she is one needy, needy woman who broke our commander’s heart.
  • Away team is deathly afraid of that thing on Donald Trumps’ head and Nicki Minaj’s booty.
  • No way humans are getting deposit back on planet; First Contact could be liable for cleanup costs, breakage, and replacing poisoned atmosphere and dysfunctional oceans.  
  • Putin won’t put his shirt back on.
  • Do you have any idea how grimy an intergalactic spacecraft gets after 22 light years of constant use, without once being overhauled or cleaned? Until budget cuts are restored to include maid service, we can’t very well invite Earthlings to Diplomatic Receptions, now can we?
  • Should really hold off until Letterman retires.
  • Who needs those TMZ asshats and all that PaparazziMishegoss?
  • Still can’t find hide nor hair of pets left on planet during prior visits.  Still missing are Yolanda the Yeti, Suzie the pendulously-boobed Sasquatch, Biggie the Bigfoot,  Loch Ness Nessie and Roseanne Barr.”

Unaltered PhotoSome Rights Reserved by Valadimir Pustovit flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can be found here

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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