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Cause of Halloween’s Enormous Growth Discovered

(SNN) - “Ever since Janeen started working in the office,” said one respondent to the study’s questionnaire, “I’ve had these fantasies of seeing her in a sexy nurse’s outfit, giving me a sponge bath. And when I shared the idea with the other guys in the office, we decided to have an off-hours Halloween party. And guess what? She showed up in the outfit of my dreams!!!”

“Me and all my buds hang out in a bar, full of hot-looking women,” said another respondent. “And of course, we’ve always dreamed of seeing more leg and cleavage. Then I got this brilliant idea. Me and the guys told the owner that we’d boycott the bar, if he didn’t have a Halloween weekend. And it worked! I’ve been handcuffed by a sexy cop, been bitten by a sexy vampire and got down on my knees and God blessed America for a sexy Statue of Liberty.”

Experiment Shows that Trade Investment Managers Are No Better than Lab Rats

(SNN) - Researchers at the University of Australia decided to see if lab rats, viewing a ticker tape, could predict which way the market was headed. (A real study) They rewarded the rats with food if they were right in predicting an uptick and gave them an electric shock if they were wrong. And in no time, they were better than actual, highly-paid traders.

Now tens of thousands of traders are being subjected to the same protocol. And one fund is already advertising that they have the best rats in the business.

Read a sample of Ed Toolis’ book, There’s an App for That

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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