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All I Want for Christmas; an Apology

Photo: Here you go!

(SNN) - There have been a flurry of apologies lately, mixed in with “Black Friday,” “Cyber-Monday,” and “For Heavens Sake, Please Buy Something Weekend” holiday sales. I feel an update is in order. If you don’t agree—please accept my apology.

  • Santa Claus has apologized for leaving coal in the stockings of bad little girls and boys in China after learning last year's lumps were used to power air-polluting factories making toys for good little girls and boys in America.
  • Mariah Carey apologized for her bizarre singing during the nationally televised Rockefeller Center Christmas tree lighting in New York City.  Still waiting for an apology for her bizarre acting in “Glitter.”
  • The GOP has apologized for the cyber attack against Sony Pictures, which led to an early release of The Interview, a movie about assassinating Korean Dictator Kim Jong-un. Explained a GOP spokesman: “Our crack Blame Obama Techno-Cyber Handling Unit (BOTCH) was trying to order Dim Sum and hit the wrong button.”
  • A North Korean film critic who later raved, “Seth Rogen’s performance in The Interview is spot on! A must see!” posthumously apologized for his review and for referring to Mr. Jong-un as “The Inglorious Fatass Delusional Microscopic Leader-in-Charge,” instead of the preferred “His Royal Glorious Friendly Leader of Love Nation Good Time Big Guy.”
  • In an unrelated incident, Kim Jong-un has just apologized for his haircut. 
  • Canada issued a blanket apology for its blankets and because it feels that apologizing is what a nice country should do every now and then.
  • Speaker John Boehner apologized for Republican mean-spirited, inappropriate and personal attacks on President Obama, saying such behavior is detrimental to Democracy and harms America’ s position in foreign affairs. Naah … I’m just funnin’ yuh.
  • NFL Running Back Ray “Sluggo” Rice apologized for being such an asshat.
  • NBC Medical Reporter Dr. Nancy Snyderman, who agreed to quarantine herself for 21 days due to possible Ebola exposure but then slipped away for some takeout, apologized for not offering to share her delicious curly fries.  
  • NBC put Dr. Snyderman back to work and then apologized for Peter Pan.
  • St. Louis Police accepted an apology by the St. Louis Rams after five of its players showed the “Hands Up” protest gesture before a game.  A Rams spokesman then denied the team had apologized.  St. Louis police then withdrew their apology for shooting the five players.
  • Three out of four elderly physicians at “Doctor’s Without Lungs Rest Home” may have apologized for endorsing cigarettes back in the day, but it was hard to tell, what with all the coughing.
  • Fox “News” Channel apologized on general principles.

Unaltered Photo: Some Rights Reserved by The Master Shake Signal flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can be found here

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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