(SNN) I am a glutton for punishment.
That’s why I scheduled a visit with an Osteopathic Surgeon the day after the Presidential election. I figured if worst came to worst at the polls, the prospeceet of major surgery wouldn’t seem so bad. Still not the sharpest tool on the workbench.
So November 12th, glum as bad pudding, I went off to see a specialist recommended by both my personal physician and my personal wife. The doctor, I’d been told, is a world-class surgeon whose specialty is balky knees.
Did I mention I have a balky knee? My left one is so balky that every time I take the mound, the ump sends the runner to the next base.
My knee is no patella-come-lately, either. It’s been a pain in the grass and on the sidewalk for ages. I’d already gone through the entire array of knee replacement procrastination devices—MRIs, X-rays, physical therapy, Witch Doctor incantations, Cortisone, lube and filter, medicinal Scotch, braces, and a three-shot series of lubricating Silly Putty injections just this Spring.
But now I can’t walk from here to the bar without a stop to pop a pain pill. It was time to bait or cut fish. It was time to take the bull by the tail and face the situation. It was time to think up a new cliché to mangle.
When I arrived at the doctor’s waiting room, there was the usual massive TV screen facing its captive audience. These days many doctors like to supplement their income by running a thinly disguised infomercial telling you how just one dose of Flatulentazine can defuse gaseous buildup and cure your Prickly Heat.
As I watched the screen I saw skin being detached and lifted away from the bone. Oh dear god, where’s an anesthesiologist? Forget the victim on screen, I needed one for me. I was not in the mood to watch a gruesome medical procedure performed by some doofus with yellow hair festooned with spikes and a multi-color beard a pro wrestler would eschew.
“Can you please turn off the infomercial?” I asked the receptionist.
“That’s Guy Fieri deboning a bird,” she replied. “His Chicken Teppanyaki is to die for.”
I gave her my standard explanation for such misunderstandings—I’m a congenital idiot.
I was soon called into the doctor’s office and after a brief discussion of my medical history, the doc passed me a “recent X-ray of your knee” that my last doc had forwarded.
Knee Like a Nash
It looked exactly like the shattered grill of a wrecked 2016 Bentley Flying Spur W12 Luxury Saloon.
“My knee looks exactly like the shattered grill of a wrecked 2016 Bentley Flying Spur W12 Luxury Saloon,” I tell him.
“Oops. Wrong X-ray,” the doctor said, adding wistfully, “I loved that car. Here’s a shot of your knee.”
This one was more like it—it looked exactly like the shattered grill of a 1947 Nash Rambler. The good doctor then pointed out where something called my “Meniscus” used to be—Meniscuses are the rubber baby buggy bumpers of the knee, designed to soften impact when walking, running or doing squat-thrusts. When they wear out they leave you with something known as a bone-on-bone condition.
Not to get too technical here, but a bone-on-bone condition in your knee is “a bad thing.”
He explained some recent advances in Knee Replacement Surgery. One of the primary improvements is to miniaturize the size of the parts and incision, and thus reduce the amount of muscle damage during surgery. This, I’m told, is “a good thing.”
It’s not like I’m going to leap off the table and start racing around the operating room immediately, but I liked the improvements, the confidence the doc exudes and the fact I’ll now be able to walk directly to a bar without stopping.
First I’ve got to get through the holidays, lower some of my medical lab numbers, and lose some weight. It seems I’m—what’s the medical term I‘m looking for?—oh yeah, “too fat.”
Meanwhile Doc will give me a new set of injections to hold me, using different fluids this time. I ask him is that “a little like putting a different kind of oil in a car engine?” He begins to weep over his lost Bentley, so I leave.
Now all I have to do is find a good recipe for lo-cal Chicken Teppanyaki.
"The People Have Spoken...the Bastards!" --Dick Tuc
Photo courtesy of Pixabay.
More Satire News
-
Dogs, Drugs, and Forgiveness
Wednesday, October 25, 2017
(SNN) Oh my goodness. Just heard that the four time champion of Alaska's Iditarod may have given his dogs drugs to enhance their speed. Now, I wonder if my former Golden Labrador dog Charlie (Charles Worthington ...
-
Tragedy Strikes Sullivan's Pond
Monday, August 14, 2017
(SNN) After being sent yesterday by The Sage News Network to cover a memorial held for two geese that had been tragically run over, I sit at home today enjoying delicious foie gras on crackers. The event was held ...
-
How to Make Love in a Canoe
Monday, July 03, 2017
One night a young amorous Sioux Had a date with a maiden he knioux; The coroner found The couple had drowned Making love in a leaky canoe -Anonymous (SNN) The French gave the world a kiss, the Spanish provided an ...
-
North Korea Axes Public Executions
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
(SNN) Pyongyang, North Korea –In response to a major shift in US Foreign Policy and rumors of a possible state visit by US President Donald Trump, North Korean authorities have been ordered to curtail public trials ...
-
Senior Duffers Rules of Golf
Sunday, June 18, 2017
(SNN) It’s Spring and the thoughts of masochists turn to golf. When people ask me if I play golf, I respond: "I play a game similar to golf, only with more lurching about and travel." Actually there's nothing similar ...
-
It (Usually) Never Rains In California
Thursday, February 09, 2017
(SNN) When I was notified I had won a prize for rainmaking I was gob-smacked while trying to close my umbrella. The last one to win that prestigious award was Burt Lancaster whom I’m often mistaken for without my ...
-
Snubs and Flubs at the Oscar Nominations
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
11. Worse singing by a nominated Actress: Meryl Streep, in “Florence Foster Jenkins.” (This is her second nomination in this category. She won previously for “Mama Mia”) 10. Most academy award nominations for ...
-
My Aching Back and the Magical Little Christmas Tree
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
(SNN) We moved from Washington DC to Los Angeles CA in the Summer of 1983, lock, stock, dog and our two kids—John, almost eight, and Andrew almost four. They adjusted to their new environs as best they could. Come ...
-
Road-Tested and Ready
Thursday, December 08, 2016
(SNN) I don’t list Automotive Writer on my resume, but my need for new transportation has led me to a new car search. I went to a couple of recent auto shows, road-tested several models—some cars too—and did my ...
-
Is There a Doctor in the House?
Monday, October 10, 2016
(SNN) The yearly pitch for changing insurance carriers has arrived to coax us from one company covering nothing I need (Prostate Practitioner?) to others whose plan does not include even one of my preferred doctors ...