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My Canadian Carpenter Ants Who Haven't Repaired a Damn Thing.

(SNN) - I have unwanted visitors.  They appear when it rains and when it is sunny.  Holidays are not excluded.  A few times a year, they roam in my powder rooms which are connected by a wall. THEY ARE ANTS AND THEY ARE A PAIN IN MY…BATHROOM!

I believe in gentle persuasion to dissuade these insects.  I usually purchase organic substances. Nothing toxic enters my domain except for my neighbor, Yenta the Gossip. I do not want to harm the little buggers, (Yenta is another story) created by Mother Nature. I just want to give them a ticket to ride.

Some old fashioned solutions I have used include scattering bay leaves, vinegar, and coffee grinds.  They made a salad and sent out invitations applauding my excellent culinary skills though they wondered why I did not give them the option of itsy bitsy tiny cappuccinos.  Now they are emailing friends that this is a good place to meet for java and veggies. They even liked me on their Face Book page.

There is no food allowed in the bathrooms except for those ingredients which are available only after they make their seasonal journey to my home. What the heck brings them here?

And why do they congregate around the shower water faucet? Do they have a cleanliness obsession?

I have sprayed them with non-toxic window cleanser and received a note of thanks, as their bifocals were now clear.

I have shouted that “this is my home." The rule is clearly stated on my front door, “Call before knocking under penalty of pummeling by a flamenco dance." Holding their ears they giggle and they multiply. I have left birth control books by the tub. Perhaps they have a religious objection.

Reasoning with them brought no satisfaction.  They gave me a smart ass answer. I responded, “Yes, while I could deduct them as dependents on my tax returns” as they suggest, I tell them “they have to leave because of my “one house one person” rental contract unless I get lucky during Fleet Week.

They are cute little things and they do not frighten me as much as the daddy long leg spiders in tennis shoes do.  When they appear I scream for my male hero who arrives in a pith helmet to remove the intruders though he often screams louder than I do, measuring 8 on the Andy Richter scale.

Last week I encountered some bad, good, and more bad news.  The shower curtains and rod fell on my head.  Water squirted everywhere, temporarily removing most of the “you know who’s”, except for the one in the Speedo doing the backstroke that happened to be wearing a life jacket.

Last night I thought I had found a temporary solution.  I lit candles, turned on soft jazz and gathered them together. In my most sultry voice I then asked for “a commitment”. They immediately disappeared.

This morning, however, Siri, my live in, usually incompetent iPhone secretary, gleefully read me a text from their leader.


 P.S. Janny, you are out of toilet paper”.

Photo by ElCapitanBSC flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed.

Dancin, Schmancin with the Scars: Finding the Humor No Matter What! received a smashing review from Wit and Humor Magazine and others. Buy some books, donate to veterans, hospitals, friends in need of a chuckle and others who want techniques to get to a joyful place. Or at least write a blurb if you like it, too. If not write on someone else's page. If you are on Goodreads, please consider suggesting this satirical survival book.   BUY YOUR COPY TODAY


Photo by: Some rights reserved by photochem_PA flickr photostream, The Sage nor this article endorsed.


DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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