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Cirque du Soleil Denounces Abstract Performances

Story Lines Too Twisted to Be Understood

(SNN) - At a press conference in Montreal, a spokesman dressed as a clown announced a major change of direction for the world’s most incomprehensible circus:

After 30 years in the entertainment business, our average Yelp score is still just one star.  With the exception of the six intellectuals who attend every New York City performance, normal audiences continue to express frustration with our confusing productions, psychedelic creatures, and loud world beat synth bands. A staff survey reveals complete agreement: we hate our own shows.  

On the other hand, critics love us. They assume the Cirque du Soleil is an abstract art form because no one understands anything we do. The truth is that our shows are crafted from whatever spectacular nonsense we can string together at tour time. Our creative people are so busy designing wacky props and costumes that they don’t have time to create coherent shows.

Ca suffit! Enough is enough. Today we announce that le plus ca change, le plus ca change.

From now on, we will only do things we like. We have five venues in Vegas but none of us like that town, so we’re closing shop. No one will miss us. Let’s face it: our casino audiences are mostly lost, old blue-haired ladies looking for the “Tribute to Liberace” show, or, worse, drunk Mormons screaming for Celine Dion. We’ve done a Beatles theme. We’ve done erotica. We’ve done fire and water shows – what’s next, mud? 

After reflection upon thousands of shows on hundreds of continents, there is only one thing left for us to explore: 1970’s Roller Boogie.
In breaking with the Cirque tradition of presenting a vague, inaccessible story against a jarring soundtrack of faux-ethnic music, we’ll focus on the disco culture we grew up with. Bizarre narratives will be replaced by simple rags-to-riches tales that end in rhinestones and tragedy. 

Our first new production will feature a roller skating gazelle that runs away to the big city where she encounters heartache, triumph, and a meaningless death. 

In Act One, she joins the Roller Derby, but is thrown out when fans reject her for having too many feet. Act Two finds her living as a roller skating tramp on the Venice Beach boardwalk of the colorful 1970’s.  In Act Three, she is killed when a blind cyclist accidentally runs her over.  In the grand finale --spoiler alert!-- a flock of angels will dance across the sky on rocket-propelled skates as the gazelle ascends into heaven while demonic skateboarders take over the Santa Monica Pier to usher in the modern age.

We believe that this new story will be accessible to anyone with a liberal arts degree from a decent university.

Critics can rest assured that we’re not throwing all the babies out with the bilge water. We’ll still charge a fortune for admission, there won’t be enough bathrooms at intermission, and half the seats will be located behind tent poles.

Photo by: Bob Snyder flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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