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Giant Sea Turtle on Collision Course with Hawaii

PHOTO: A Face Only An Environmentalist Could Love

(SNN) - The USA’s National Ocean  and Lake Administration (NOLA) is tracking the progress of a giant sea turtle on a collision course with Honolulu. Official concerns are running high as the normally sedate island chain braces for terrapin landfall. Big surf and soft shell shock could be triggered if the leviathan hits the shore.

Migrating sea turtles are normally a source of delight for residents and tourists, but the impending crash has the potential to wreak havoc on the fragile island economy. In addition to giving tour operators another excuse to raise excursion prices, damage to beach cabanas and hotel cocktail kiosks could ruin the perfect sunsets that people from cold climates pay so much to see. Confirming the worst case predictions, many novelty stores have already sold out of turtle-themed children’s hats and sunglasses.

Residents of Maui and smaller islands are being instructed to stockpile food and marijuana in case they are cut off from their larger neighbors.

Recent explosions off the cost of Kauai suggest that the military is deploying robo-subs in case the turtle doesn’t change course.  “Our self-proclaimed enemies might use giant so-called sea turtles to hide alleged weapons of mass destruction,” said a spokesman for the U.S. Navy’s Barking Sands Missile Base.  “America will not be caught with her bikini bottom down. We will be prepared for turtle strikes.” 

In an off-the-cuff remark, he accidentally revealed a top secret program to train reef sharks to defend populated areas.

Predictably, Oahu's three remaining environmentalists insisted that the turtle be allowed to return to its native breeding grounds. They invoked the many creation myths claiming our planet once floated on the back of a giant turtle and argue the possibility that it has now come back, though they aren’t sure why.

Photo by: Lain Wanless flickr photostream, Some Rights Reserved, The Sage nor this article endorsed

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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