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Why My Plants Hold Their Ears

Photo: If you're bad in life, you'll come back as one of Jan's house plants

(SNN) I heard plants are like people. They must be spoken to in a gentle manner. I took elocution lessons from Ms. Manners.  I enunciated every syllable. What did I get for my effort?

Rotten roots, sagging stems and flaky foliage. My surviving plants don't look great either.

I have spent a fortune on plants plus food for the plants and aspirin for me.  Too much sun, not enough sun, over watering or under watering. Whatever the reason, many plants passed on.

A relative left me a rubber plant called a Ficus Decura, in our family for three generations and was known as "the strongest of the ficus,.

Thirty-six hours after it arrived in my home, it left for the rubber plantation in the sky. Perhaps its because one day in earshot of the Ficus I muttered, ”Geez, another mouth to feed.”

Could it have sensed my resentment?

Another time my Dieffenbachia wet the coffee table and I admit I got angry and said a few choice words that required me to wash my mouth out with Tequilla.  Sure enough the thing wilted and died. 

Then the Philodendron formed a fungus and was soon on its last leaf.  Life as you can see was not a bed of roses.  Next, the Creeping Charlie went,  though slowly and the Evergreen, now Puce, did not look well.

I’m embarrassed to tell you what I did.  But I was desperate. I poured chicken soup in the soil. The plant seemed to rally. It said,”Oye! Oye!  And then it was gone.

I bought more plants This time I decided on complete honesty. I quoted Bronowski and said “Nature is not mastered by force but by understanding.” I told them this worked both ways. I told them sometimes I would not feel like talking and they should respect that. I think I heard applause.

I felt much better after our chat. The pressure was off me to be sweetness and light all the time. They were  understanding. Except for the delicate Fern. 

Once, after a particularly festive night and finding that my one silk plant had aphids, I let forth an expletive and Fern got the vapors and expired.

As for the few left; they love me for who I am-a kind, gentle, loving person. With our therapy sessions at Lowes, the rest now keep their opinions to themselves.

Photo credit: Some Rights Reserved by Jenny Downing Flickr photostream. The Sage nor this article endorsed. The original image can also be found here.

DISCLAIMER: The above article is provided for entertainment purposes only and the article, image or photograph held out as news is a parody or satirical and therefore faux in nature and does not reflect the actions, statements or events of real persons. The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the authors of The Sage Satire and forum participants on this web site do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the The Sage News Network or the official policies of the The Sage News.
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